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I needed a place to write down all of those lost thoughts...

Rain's Journal

May 18th, 2012

So, hi.  Haven't posted in a very long time.  I'm trying out some new characters so rather than add this to my FF.net account, I thought I'd just post it here.  I probably really need a beta since this is a lot of random stuff that sort of came out and needs to be cleaned up.  I'm going to have to read it again later to see what I can do to fix it.  For now, the unedited version.  ^_^;;;

Title: Sense of Smell 
Fandom: Kamen Rider W
Character: Shotaro
Rating: G
Warnings: Excessive wangst... (Sorry this took a direction I wasn't exactly expecting.  I don't usually end up writing stuff of this nature since I write what I like to read.  And this...I don't enjoy reading.)
Summary:  In the last several months, Shotaro has found something that he's needed to research.  However, the answer may not be what he actually needs...


<lj-cut text="It took him no less than four months to convince Akiko that he was going to be just fine.">
It took him no less than four months to convince Akiko that he was going to be just fine.  He smiled and played at being the detective and none were the wiser.  Well...Akiko seemed to see through him, but after four months she had finally given up.  Shotaro wasn’t going to confide in her what his feelings were.  Not to mention she had just received some especially good news from Terui.  The pair were nearly inseparable now, which suited Shotaro just fine.


Akiko had waltzed into their lives without warning and without permission.  Shotaro had grudgingly allowed it to continue.  He could have just as easily left with Philip in the beginning.  Well, it wouldn’t have been easy to move the hanger, but they could have done it.  Philip had finally sealed it when he acknowledged her as a part of their Family.  So Shotaro hadn’t fought the change.

Now, however, beyond the fake fighting and her incessant need to be involved in his life, Shotaro felt nothing for the girl.  She was simply another face among many in Fuuto and she was just another person to protect from harm.  He should have felt bad about things, he certainly wouldn’t have won Philip’s approval with his disconnection, but he didn’t have to worry about that now, did he?

Instead, Shotaro was finding it easier and easier to become the hard-boiled detective that he had strove to be.  There were a few times that Terui seemed to look at him...really see through him, but the other man never said anything.  With his demands of never asking questions, Shotaro never needed to hear what the answer was.

The brunette detective felt nothing when faced with the world around him, but it was very different when locked in the safety of his room.  The walls seemed to stare at him accusingly and his dreams kept him awake long into the night.  When it was time to retire for the evening, he would lock himself in the room and lay awake for hours staring at the ceiling.  

Then he had found where Akiko had put all of Philip’s clothing.  The chest was secure in his closet now and reverently opened for just a brief amount of time to pull something out and then lock it away again.  He didn’t want to run the risk of losing the most valuable part of the contents.

If asked, Shotaro might have said that his depression stemmed from the sudden and forceful loss of self.  He didn’t analyze his feelings, however, so there was no way for him to know or properly comprehend what that meant.  All he knew was that the people he cared for all left.  One by one, they were taken from him.  It was enough that it left him feeling...cursed.

Shotaro was not a man who truly could function alone.  It seemed to have been something that Narumi Sokichi was well aware of and was the reason why he was left the charge of Philip.  Or perhaps it was actually the other way around.  Regardless, it had made Hidari Shotaro the perfect candidate to become W.  It also had made this most recent loss the hardest for him to accept.  Being W proved that he was in fact half a man and he would never truly be complete.  

On this particular evening, Shotaro locked himself in his room and quickly pulled out a shirt from the protected chest and changed out of his vest and dress shirt.  With the faint scent of motor oil, metal, and old paper floating around him, he reached for the stack of books that he had been carefully collecting.  Opening the first he began to read.

He had been collecting these books for the last two months, since he had discovered the chest and pulled it into his room.  It was a slow process because he didn’t want anyone to know what he was doing.  He collected books from online stores and had them sent to several different rented postal boxes.  The few he had collected from the city were either stolen from the public library (he would have never heard the end of that one from Philip) or discretely purchased amongst a large stack of detective novels.  Flirting with the clerk made it harder for her to notice what he was purchasing.

Shotaro had always been an avid reader.  He loved a good mystery novel, not only for the drama and the action, but for the clues that would help him to think better as a detective.  This stack of books had nothing to do with mysteries nor were related in any way to a case.  There were several titles in the stack on the five senses.  A pair of biology books were near the bottom along with books on animal behavior.  He was going to consume information like his dark haired partner would have when researching a new topic.

The books became scattered about the room, most of them half read.  Instead of a whiteboard with notes, he stuck to a small notepad.  He put down the book he had been reading and resumed a slow pace up and down the room as he reviewed his notes.  

Memory.  There was a word with so many layers of meaning to him.  There were cherished memories, like those of his parents before their sudden and untimely deaths.  There were proud memories where he had actually done something to win his Boss’s approval.  There were Gaia Memories and there were W Memories.  There were even memories of his beloved Fuuto.  

Humans had long since cast off the sense of smell as something unimportant.  Our other senses seemed to provide us with much more information.  While in some cases it was true, in this case, smell seemed to triumph over all.  From an intellectual standpoint it was rather eye opening to inspect the information from this angle.  On a more emotional level, he already knew how important it was.

His conclusion was direct.  He was going mad obsessing about the past.  His problem was that the scent of Philip was distracting him and breaking down his willpower.  If he wasn’t careful, he was going to lose it.  If he was lucky it would be in private, but with his luck it would be in public and that was the last thing that he wanted.  His sense of smell brought memories of Philip to the front of his mind and despite all of his worries, he didn’t want to stop.

He tugged off Philip’s shirt and tossed it across his room.  What did it even matter in the first place?  They had barely known each other when they were suddenly thrown together.  Other than a few sentimental moments, Philip did not seem as if he would have reflected on Shotaro the same way.  He was more interested in his sister, who was fighting against him by the end.  An enemy was more precious.  

Shotaro sunk down onto his bed, drawing his knees to his chest.  It felt empty and hollow inside.  He was tired of this happening to him.  He was tired of it all.  The brunette lowered his head to his knees to hide what no one was there to see, all of his tears.  Despite wanting to scream or wail, he bottled in the sound and just pressed his tears into his pants.  

Finally the tears subsided and his breathing evened out.  He lifted his head tiredly from his knees and got off the bed.  He picked up all of the books and his notepad, locking them into the chest.  Once his room was at least empty of the traces of his research, he dropped himself down onto his bed once more.  His last thought before falling unconscious was simple:

I’m never going to be close to anyone again.

September 13th, 2010

(no subject)

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phedre
It's been forever since I've posted anything. *shrug*

Mostly at the moment, I really want to write. However, it's not completely as easy as one would imagine. I really want to RP. I miss writing with a big group. I miss Yasen my OC from the Sailormoon rping days of old. In general, I really want to rp, but as usual, I never know where I can even begin to look. I got lucky years ago, but now I don't know where the good groups are or how to find them. Ahh well...

February 26th, 2010

I'm looking for crack...

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potions are the only magic
Where are the good Jack/Ianto (Torchwood) fics people? I'm almost done with Season 2 and while I know how it all ends (stupid Davies for doing this to me) I'm hoping to fill my crack meter to bursting. Any help?

October 14th, 2009

Title: Second Life
Author: nwhiker
Artist: karasu_hime
Pairing: Sirius/Snape

I found this at the bigbangblackout which, because I've been horribly out of touch for such a long time with fandom in general, I completely missed. I went link hopping and fell headfirst into this one after a random click on to 12am_nosh.

The silly story of how I got there aside, this has been so absolutely amazing that I can't really even begin. There was so much honesty and truth in their relationship. Some relationships build quickly in fics, with the rush of sudden and passionate love. This was not the case with this fic, and while there is a great deal of passion (and the obligatory hawt smexy stuff) it's dampened by the horrible reality of the world around them. Years pass and they take the baby steps towards one another.

Really the entire story was amazingly beautiful. That can't be said without saying something nice about Karasu's artwork in the process. I babbled too much in my comment on the lj page, so I'll try to save myself further embarrassment by saying that she did a wonderful job capturing the mood and completely sweet moments of these two together. <3s ^_^

So if I haven't inspired you to read it, then I don't know what's wrong with you. :P

June 8th, 2009

You know what?

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villainy
Fuck you! Sure I can find out information from who ever I want. Just like I know you'll find this post.

I fucking hate cowards that are going to fucking tell everyone that I'm a horrible person and I made you miserable, or worse...worse is saying that my wife is the one that RUINED your life or whatever the fuck bull shit you want to say.

You want to talk, then grow some balls. You're the bitch that didn't want to hear the truth. You're the lazy ass that thought it was okay to go through life without a damn care in the world. You don't like hearing the term "gold digger" then fucking do something about it. Oh wait...you don't have any pride.

I was going to be the one that would talk first. I was going to be the one to make the effort for you because I thought you deserved it. Now. Now I hope that you take a long walk off a short pier.

March 12th, 2009

Random Thought For Your Day

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Cute Sev
If Harry Potter was an anime, who would you want to be the seiyuu (voice actor) for Snape?

My pick would have to be Koyasu Takehito. *_* He would be perfect! I'm telling you he'd be great. XD

February 15th, 2009

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
- What I create will be just for you, and it will be a one-of-a-kind item.
- It'll be done this year.
- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story, I may bake something, or I may make a craft item - knitting, hand-made cards, cross-stitch - for you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that if you sign up, you must repost and make the same offer to your flist in return. We can all make stuff!!

January 23rd, 2009

To Orlando:

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Sex Addict
Oh and btw...

Clear your calendars Orlando. Those crazy lesbians will be in town on Feb 22 and 23. You best have a place for me to sleep. ^_^

(no subject)

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Humpy humpy
Drama is not telling your friends the truth. If that's the case then I must've started a lot of drama in Orlando. If that's the case then we totally had too much drama with our first roommate in Atlanta. If that's the case...oh screw it. It's not the case. Grow up. Honestly. Superiority isn't gained by being "right". Superiority can only be gained through actions and earned respect. And even then, who the hell needs to be better than someone else? Trying so hard just makes you fail.

The worst part is the pity that people are so willing to give. Does anyone ever realize that by saying "oh I'm so sorry that you're life is terrible" is a cycle. People feed off of that. After a while you don't want to get better because people pay attention to you and pity you and it makes having a shitty life better. That's the biggest reason why I don't talk about my problems on livejournal. There is no point when half the people on this list of friends have never met me face to face. They don't know me because they don't know more than what I give them. It's a very easy way to pretend to be someone you're not. Hell I could have fooled everyone years ago into thinking that I was a man and Vikki was married to a very hawt guy, but I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. I prefer to have a connection with someone face to face. Therefore I'm more open to someone I can see and hang out with. Not to say that having friends that I've met over the internet is a bad thing. There are times and places for them as well, but I don't tell them all of the bad crap going through my life. I don't want people to think that I have a lot of problems or that I only want to talk about the problems. That makes me a rather dull person.

Anyway...I've rambled off the beaten track here. So this is all I have left to say.



January 16th, 2009

Lol!

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OMGYAYAYAYAY!
Yes. Turn and run. That's the part that she never told anyone about. XD XD XD
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